it's funny, i feel like i'm going in reverse, and my head feels empty somehow, i can almost feel the hollow space, it feels like it was once filled with knowledge, big words, weird animal facts, witty remarks. i feel like i felt smart. if you know what i mean.
and as i sit in front of my computer, struggling with 3000 words of bullshit to write, which used to be so easy for me, i wonder where all those things i used to know went. i feel like i'm losing it, getting dumber as i get older. i can't remember the name of the plant with the little white flowers that grows on the grass patch outside my house, i remember that i used to know it, and i would go over and smell it, and think to myself that this _____ had a nice sweet smell.
i feel like my brain is wasting away, decomposing maybe. i want to take an fMRI, and see that it still actually works.
i also want to discover a talent. just one. cos i realise i have none. i want to be able to do something exceptionally well. some people can sing. some can dance. some run really fast. and some with no special ability can at least get straight As. i wonder what i can do, its been 21 years and no talent has seemed to have surfaced.
and i wonder if thats really important. i guess most people would say it isnt. maybe most people without a talent. i dont know. i just think it would be nice to have one, so that when everything starts to fade away, as i get dumber and dumber, i'd still be able to do something well.
anyway the shows today were hilarious cos out snake was like super horny or something. haha. there's a part of the show where the presenter would ask for a macho man to go on stage to carry the huge snake. then we would put the snakes tail in between the guy's legs. usually the snake would just coil its tail around the volunteer's leg, cos its their natural behavior. but today the snak kept rubbing its tail back and forth over the guy's crotch and from the soundroom i could see he was having a hard-on. hahah it was super funny, everyone on stage was laughing. the poor guy must have been damn embarassed. we took the snake off him when someone said over the pacer "think we better take the snake off him before he comes in his pants." hahaha. funnnnyyy. we were all laughing about it during the post-show.
ahh. i swear i'll start studying tmr.
took my dog for a walk today. and as we were walking, i observed her and noticed how cute and how sweet she was. how she would come flying back to me looking like a retard with her tongue hanging out on one side of her mouth the moment i called her. how she would always turn around and check to see if i was still there before going round a corner. how she would run back to get me when my two legs couldnt keep up with hers, and how she would back back at the big dogs when they barked at me. great little dog she is. i get feeling she'd die for me if she ever needed to.
and i felt kinda guilty, cos i know that i havent been loving her as much as she deserved to be loved, as much as i loved my old dog. its not that i treated her badly or anything, i play with her all the time when i go home, i pet her and i feed her and make sure she has water and i would never ever let anyone hurt her or say bad things about her, even though she can be a bitch to other people. but deep inside me i know that i've been holding back something. something that can't quite be defined or put into words. but it's like everytime i begin to notice how cute she is and how much she loves me, i'd just tell myself, "she's so different from oreo. it'll never be the same." and i'd start thinking of all the things oreo was, then sometimes i'd walk away. i remember when i first decided to get a new dog, my main reason was because i couldnt stand not having that animal to love, that animal that was also a companion, a confidante. so i went to the spca to try and pick a dog out. all the dogs i wanted to pick were what my mum would call "dirty looking" dark browns and blacks. the colour of my old dog. but my mum didnt want a "dirty looking" dog, so we got Jaz, thats her name, and i told myself that i'd take her cos she needed saving cos of the scar on her muzzle from her abuse and no one would take her home otherwise.
and so it's become quite clear now, that ever since i decided to get a new dog, i was merely trying to replace the old. but the more i think about it, and the more time i spend with my new dog, its also become clear that its never going to be possible. more importantly, i'm finally becoming able to accept that i can't replace her and i shoudn't replace her, and that space in me that she left behind will never be filled, but that would also mean that it will always be reserved for her, and i can make a new place for a new special dog.
i used to be irritated by how jumpy Jaz was, and sometimes i'd even ask her things like "why can't you be nice and calm and get along with all my other animals like oreo did, why are you always jumping around like a mad thing." but its becoming very very endearing, and i probably wouldnt want her to be any other way.
so i took some photos with her today, and from the photos you can see how very different she is. she's staying still in none of them, and in all of them she has a super goofy face, and makes me look stupid too. and i can't bring myself to take down the old photo of oreo, but i can put up new ones of Jaz, and here they are (and these are already the decent ones where at least her head is in the photo haha)
- emo nemo:
thankful
I WANT TO BE AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL!
quite cool right..making a living out of looking good. getting to take artsy fartsy photos all day wearing designer clothes and walking around like you dont give a damn. haha but welcome to the real world shortie, and i'm not really one for taking photos either.
superficial, this world we live in. we can all profess to not be superficial, and yeah most of the time one wouldnt really choose your friends based on looks and money cos like what kinda friendships are those mannn. but it seems quite undeniable that to a certain extent at least, looking really good does get you somewhere in life, cos even if youre really stupid you can always go be a model or something. haha. and it always helps you create a better first impression, say in that job interview or something.
whats with the random thoughts la. goodness this exams thing must really be getting to me. even though i havent really been studying.
i miss work. it does give my life some sort of rhythm and drive. like i know that after school i'd be rushing to the night safari and will be busy for the whole night. no procratination and laziness. gahh.
I AM SO FUCKING PISSED RIGHT NOW.
DESPITE MANY ATTEMPTS AT WASHING AND BLEACHING THE STAINS STILL CANNOT COME OFF.
THE PANTS ARE SPOILT.
FUCK YOU. SERIOUSLY. GO TO HELL MAN.
work today was fine, alot of _______ but none were extremely irritating so i was quite happy and very polite. but THENN. after work i was soo hungry cos i didnt get to eat dinner, so i went to al ahmeen to get some food one the way home. and the blardy ______ waiter spilled some red indian food stuff on my WHITE jeans!
-insert expletive-. (define expletive: profane or obscene expression usually out of surprise or anger. definitely anger in this case.)
and the -insert expletive again- didnt even say sorry! omg. if you come to the night safari and be rude i also can't argue much with you cos you're a guest and the customer is always right. but at least ave some manners in service la! come on man. -expletive expletive expletive!-
okay but to be fair there is a VERY NICE ______ petrol pumping guy at the esso station near my house. haha he is damn funny and nice and has great pride in his job. he will greet you very energetically when you come to pump petrol and welcome you very warmly. he's cool man.
see i'm fair. and i'm not racist. if they were of any other race i'd bitch about them just the same.
You used to talk to me like
I was the only one around
You used to lean on me
The only other choice was falling down
You used to walk with me like
We had no where we needed to go
Nice and slow
To no place in particular
We used to have this figured out
We used to breathe without a doubt
When nights were clear you were the first star that i'd see
We used to have this under control
We never thought we used to know
At least there's you
And at least there's me
Can we get this back?
Can we get this back?
To how it used to be
I used to reach for you
I got lost along the way
I used to listen
You always had the just right thing to say
I used to follow you
Never really cared where we would go
Fast or slow
To anywhere at all
We used to have this figured out
We used to breathe without a doubt
The nights were clearer for the first time that I'd see
We used to have this under control
We never thought we used to know
At least there's you
And at least there's me
Can we get this back?
Can we get this back?
To how it used to be
I look around me
And I want you to be there
Cause I miss the things that we shared
Look around you
It's empty and you're sad
Don't you miss the love that we had?
there's so much pain and so much regret everytime i look at this picture, everytime i think about you.
i was never ready to let you go.
and i hope you understood what i meant when i told you i love you.
i wonder what you were thinking when you saw me run out of the clinic.
you must have been so scared, and confused, and i was such a coward not daring to see you slip away from me.
i wish i had been braver, and stayed with you till the end, and held you till you could no longer feel any pain.
i wish there was a way now to tell you that i'm sorry.
you are so special, and i love you more than i ever loved anything.
it's pathetic, but its been almost 3 years and i still cry the same tears everytime i think of you, and i still wish you were mine.
i can still feel you and remember how you feel in my arms, remember your rhythmic breaths as i just chilled with you in the garden with my head on your tummy. but the feelings are getting less and less tangible, and i dont want to lose them.
i wish you were still here.
there's the part of the show at the beginning when the presenter is greeting the guests she'll go "anyone from _____? -insert their native greeting-!" when i become presenter i will say "anyone from _____? FUCK YOU!" and everyone will cheer.
china people seem like angels.
seriously, i was so pissed today i really wanted to take a deep breath to calm myself down but the place seriously stank. i'm not kidding. and its not the animals.
and looks like i wasnt the only one pissed off by them today. eddy came up to the sound room and he started bitching about them too and stood in the sound room and told them "fuck you all!" cos they all can't hear. hahah. all the staff were also bitching about them lol. cos throughout the show the fuckers were just showcasing their stupidity by trying to call out to the animals and stand up when theyre not supposed to. cheebyes.
remmy was commenting that day that my tolerance level seems to have gone up, yeah now you know why.
- emo nemo:
aggravated
skipped the 9am class this morning to have a little rest in, am feeling slightly better now. tried to study for stats again, hardly understood anything, then i did some questions and although i followed all the steps i still got all the answers wrong so i kinda gave up. reminded me of jc days where i could just never ever get math and just give up on it, dropping the subject in the end. math makes me feel so hopeless. haha i used to hate those exams in jc where i wouldnt know how to do a single question, i'd just write a line for each question and leave half the fullscap paper blank then go on the the next question hoping i'll know how to do it later which of course i never do, then i carry on doing that for all the questions and at the end of the agonizing 2 hours i would hand up an almost blank stack of fullscap papers and be rather dejected. i really have to get over this. at least for this two sems till i'm done with my stats modules. someone help me.
yeah well met angel and preeya before the stats test and hung out for awhile. haha it was quite funny cos we realised that almost all the indians here know all the indians here. preeya kept saying hi to the indians we met along the way then after awhile everytime i saw an indian i'd ask her if she knew the girl and most of the time she did. its quite amusing. she was telling us how almost everytime she attends an indian wedding she realises some of her friends are actually related to her in some way. haha. singapore is like one little indian facebook. oh lol she told us about this guy on facebook who seemed to be adding all the preeyas he could find. cos some random guy added her then she went to check out his profile and the news feed was all "_______ and preeya are now friends" over and over again. HAHA. the weirdo's got a preeya fetish.
also had a good time bitching about the india indians. see even other indians hate them. its like us and the ah tiongs.
and needless to say, stats test was a failure, but what did i expect.
am just beginning to start studying for the exams, still trying to get down and focused instead of just flipping the pages and singing along to songs on itunes, but its a start.
ah this is all just getting me downn ):
- emo nemo:
depressed
i guess in life thats always the case, you can never spread yourself too thin, or commit fully to more than one. the more you work the less time you have to study, and somethings just have to be totally put aside like hall commitments etc. you always have to choose whats best for you or what you love most and commit yourself to it. the hardest part comes always when you're torn between what you know is good for you and what you really want. most of the time you're willing to give up neither.but oh well. i guess we juggle and we grow.
juling slept over in my room last night. actually she came over just to bathe but i invited her to stay cos i havent seen her for so long haha. it was a good fun time just catching up and watching ugly betty. i love that show. although it did make me a little emo.
emo nemo momo.
sometimes my ipod amazes me. it seems to know my mood. it shuffles to nice upbeat songs when i'm happy, and feeds my masochism with bleeding-with-pain-and-sadness songs when i'm emo.
well since i named my ______ bob, i shall name my ipod boob. damn them emo things.
- on replay:leona lewis - bleeding love
first night doing sound and lights for creatures of the night show on my own. think it went alright..didnt get screwed for anything. haha i was a good girl. went to work earlier to get someone to run through with me cos i was quite stressed about it. while the senior was going through with me he told me that a manager said the presenter, main and the soundman are the three top most important people of the show. and later on in the locker room some of the seniors were saying they wanted to learn sound but havent gotten the chance. on the one hand i was happy that they trusted me enough to take up such an important job but on the other hand i was also wondering why..and i've also been feeling like i'm constantly being assessed haha..like if i screw this up then i can just do shit for the rest of the time. but i guess things can't be going too badly.
went for supper with one of my colleagues after work at al azhar..goodness we ate soo much. two girls eating 2 butter naans, one cheese prata, one banana prata, and a mushroom steak set..plus horlicks dinosaurs. i think my face is going to become round again. but work really makes me hungry tho. had another nice chat with her again..
really starting to feel much more comfortable on the job..even though the politics are probably still playing out all over the place..i think i'll get by just being myself and doing what they ask me to do..taking up their challenges and proving myself (:
haha i wish i could be as motivated in my studies. somehow i just can't seem to get started.
- emo nemo:
thoughtful
work today was more stressful and busy cos the big bosses were around and it was a four show night. but it also felt good. i think i am becoming an expert rat chopper! haha getting better at removing the guts. much less messy. and i managed to chop strategically so could make the most of each rat and wasted less rats so not so many has to be killed!
was given an animal handling protocol today..wonder when i'll be able to put it into practise and handle other animals apart from snakes.
and all my leave has been granted (: signed the leave forms and everything.
i think i am quite proud of myself for sticking out the job even though its one of the most tiring things i've ever gotten myself into with all the travelling and frequent work nights and late working hours. before starting the job i was thinking about how i never really finish anything i start. i get into competitive swimming and i just get too lazy to go for trainings..i play soccer then after awhile i stop as well..even horse back riding which i love is no longer part of my life. and jobs like tuition..which pays much more than my current job and takes up much less time..i start teaching a kid then just can't wait to get rid of the kid..and i can't recall how many times i've told the autistic school i was busy and unable to relief teach simply because i was too lazy to go. even in school..like with the mc last year..and with my school work..i know i havent really put in my hundred percent.. so when i decided to commit to the job after pondering about the long hours and time i have to put in..i told myself i would really stick it out no matter how hard it is. and it really was very hard at first..dealing with politics and getting used to the reduced hours of sleep and lesser time spent with friends and my dear boy. but now i'm here and i'm loving the job. it's still tiring..waking up every mroning to go for class and rushing to work immediately after class then chionging around during work and getting back late then having to do laundry to prepare my uniform to wear again the next day and trying to squeeze in some studying while the clothes are in the dryer then waking up to go for class and repeating the cycle again..but i never really think of quitting. so so happy i made the choice to take up this personal challenge and very very grateful for how supportive james and my friends have been.
i am in a happy place (:
oh and it was damn funny at work today during the post show debrief. we were discussing why the fishing cat refuses to do her fishing behavior then one of the bosses said the guppy was very fierce and he saw a 10cm long guppy. a GUPPY! then all of us insisted it couldnt be a guppy and we concluded that it was one of the sucker fishes. then the boss said it was a guppy because it was swimming like a guppy. haha how many ways he want a fish to swim! then another boss said "oh but sucker fishes tails go up and down (like dolphins) guppy's go side to side" haha oh man i couldnt take it already then i said that sucker fishes tails also go side to side. then one of the seniors said "ya la up and down is mermaid!" and the third boss said "ya you think dugong ah!" haha it was funny. but maybe not so funny when you read it like this. but i dont care. i insist it was funny.
- emo nemo:
accomplished
crap. typed half way and deleted the whole post.
anyway. i was saying i had a great great day (: started out wonderfully going to dim sum with kw, cherie, cindy and remmy. super fun experience at yum cha looking out for our food on the push carts. felt damn satisfied when i finally got my cha siew bao. haha.. but most of all was feeling very happy going out with the bunch of them after quite awhile.
work turned out to be pretty good too..rather relaxing day cos the fiercer big bosses all went off..and one show was cancelled cos of the rain so we all went back to the locker room to eat chocolates someone bought from australia..and the crew today were all the nice fun genuine people. and after work we all went to the elephant keeper's house to celebrate deepavali! my first deepavali celebration haha.. had alot of food there as well..all kinds of curry like stuff and muruku and other snacks. watched some cartoons with my colleagues and talked about the cartoons we used to love like cow and chicken..as told by ginger..lizzy maguire..that sort of shows..and shared some rather funny jokes too. haha it was a fun time. shared a cab back with one of the girls and had a rather good chat on the way about work and related stuff..she just shared her good and bad experiences at the work place and things like that but it was nice (: tmr at work will probably be more stressful tho..lights and sound part 2 with the big boss again..hope i won't screw up.
super tired now..but very happily so..something about being tired and happy makes you feel very satisfied and contented.
everything would be all perfect if someone was back and if i was more prepared for my exams lol.
going for more food tmr morning for breakfast with the kw, cherie they all again. would mean that i won't be able to sleep in. but it would also be worth it (:
- emo nemo: content
now that i'm at show i realised i actually prefer photo. there's more interaction at photo with guests and animals cos at photo at least there's a chance of getting an animal position..snake la. but at show its zero animal interaction. and photo is much more relaxed..when there's a good in charge of course..and no need to do post-deployment!
m slightly irritated cos the deployment also says i have to work on thursday which is deepavali cos i'm not indian. this is the one time i wished i was indian. but what the heck, i guess i like work. haha also have something to look forward to on thursday morning, dim sum buffet with the oweekers! hope it really materialises and doesnt turn out to just be a big plan. havent gone out with the bunch of them for ages even tho i meet them for lunch whenever i can.
and thursday will also be one week since the baby has gone to aust. a mark of time passing. super slow tho. ):
so i guess having to work on thursday isnt soo bad.
quite a bit of funny shit was said today during post show and after work at the bus stop. gossip and bitching of any sort is always nice to listen to. but its probably best not to do too much of the bitching in an environment like this. i shall be a smart bitch!
i think i will study a little now.....
have project meeting tmr..kinda can't wait to get that project out of the way...
must remember to tell "big" boss about the change of leave i want to take tmr :S
working so many days this week..i hope uncle wah-lao-eh sends me home. that has seriously got to be his favourite phrase. uncle is so grumpy sometimes but i think he has a good heart. haha he always grumble grumble grumble but then in the end when he drops people he always says take care while crossing the road..and be careful cos so dark and stuff like that. and that time after he sent me home on an extra work night to a different destination from my usual he grumbled like shit and threw 10 wah-lao-ehs at me but when i reached my destination he didn't drive the bus off until my dad came to pick me up from the bus stop cos he said the area super dark. i wish him a happy old age.
- emo nemo: sleepy
just got a msg from one of the oweek gang saying there's gonna be something on this friday. again, i'm working. won't be able to go. sigh. this is the dunno how many times i'll be missing having good fun with them, and it makes me sad. why must it always be on a friday! why not monday or thursday or saturday. sigh. but then again, can't expect anyone to plan their timetables around me. oh well. will make the best of what i have.
time is passing so slowly. it hasnt even been a week! only half a week ):
and please don't misunderstand me la. )):
- emo nemo:
blah
was a mixed feelings day at work. did commentary today officially for the first time. guess i should be happy since theyre grooming me to do more things..and i kinda like doing commentary..just that mrs food stores kinda kills the joy i guess. and oh yes, wasn't even supposed to come in to work today cos i got a call in the morning saying that they had enough people. but some clown went to take an mc so i got called to go back to work. was all excited about going to cherie's house to watch soccer and drink her mum's tea. been missing out on alot of time with friends, and going on lots of outings with them. thats seriously gotta be one of the biggest downsides to the job. but yea. mrs food stores sent me back to do the biggest saikang, probably the thing i hate most about this job, the kitchen cleaning post deployment. have to clean up all the food trays used for the day..which is ALOT and involves clearing out alot of very smelly rotting meat and washing the smeely blood off the trays so maggots won't come. then cleaning the fridge and cleaning the floor of the kitchen. oh god i hate it. i don't even mind clearing shit cos at least then i'll just talk to the animals occasionally and time will past quicker. but am very thankful for some nice colleagues who pitched in to help me out otherwise i would surely have missed the transport home.
and i'll end off with some quotes from our funny indian friends.
"is that snake original?"
err yes sir, it's original, not and imitation. but you're asking if its original flavoured then i really don't know i havent tasted the snake. the word is REAL, stupid. which leads us to the next quote.
"is that cat a dummy?"
i'm afraid sir, youre the dummy!
seriously. grow a brain.
disclaimer: i am not racist, i have several indian friends i am very fond of. its just that such occurences happen far too often for me not to notice them,
in time i'm so gonna sound like a racist bigot but indians are really the most stingy and thick-skinned people ever. omg i can't stand them! they always refuse to make the donation and want to crowd up the bottom of the stage standing there "kklicking snaps" so i've taken to innocently standing in front of the animal under the guise of talking to the other guests down stage so that they won't be able to get nice photos. cheap bastards. then the super rude indians will just interupt you while you're talking to other guests and demand that you move aside so that they can "klickk" their blardy snaps without even a please. and during thumbuakar they will squeeze their way to the front and ask you many questions loudly with no respect for other people who are trying to watch the shows. okay. to be fair there are occasional nicer ones who don't mind making the contribution but they are still damn rude and will rush up the stage even though you ask them to wait their turn because the stage is too crowded cos they keep insisting that theyve already made the contribution. we'll so have others! learn some manners. it's a wonder prejudice and stereotypes exist huh.
- emo nemo: satisfied
just been feeling very tired these few days, even though i havent worked for the past two days.
i feel like i just want to vegetate on my bed all day and not have to get up to do anything and i can't get myself to feel HAPPY.
maybe its because i havent been getting enough sleep, or maybe its because exams are coming again and there's a mountain of shit to study and i just don't want to get started. still have 2 presentations in the way too.
jeez.
maybe its pms.
whatever.
i hope she's in charged at work tomorrow, don't think i have the energy to deal with her...or her...or her.....and oh yes..herrr.
am also not looking forward to telling HER that i won't be available sometime in december though i know i should do it soon otherwise it'll be worse.
why must they all be so difficult.
and its gonna be a very long three weeks cos someone's just left for australia for operation wallaby.
but maybe since its the period leading up to the exams and time always seems to whiz by right around this time of the year so that we can experience the feeling of "oh shit exams are here and i havent studied!", so maybe time will whiz by again.
hope you'll be safe and come back soon although i know you're gonna stink like a soldier who hasnt bathed for 3 weeks cos they made you throw away all your soap and shampoo because the bottles were bigger than 100ml haha.
had a very nice time with you pigging out at kuishinbo yesterday. was hoping you would eat more and fail your ippt so they won't let you go to Aust. heh. heh. i ate more than you lor.
bring back Rocklea Road! its ROCKLEA ROAD okay. haha.
oh the therapy of writing. i feel slightly better (:
- emo nemo: okay
i am uncharacteristically bothered by the issue. i went to sleep feeling bothered and now that i'm awake i'm still feeling bothered.
i go from thinking "fuck it. you just don't know me and she's not worth my concern" to "i think i'm gonna talk to her and sort out this misunderstanding but i'm not sure how.
mostly i'm in the latter. i would make this right if i could, but like the behaviorists say, the mind is like a black box and we'll never understand it. i'm not sure how much bothering to talk it out would make a difference cos if youve already decided to think that i'm a many-faced bitch then whatever i tell you would just be one of my many faces talking to you right. so i tell myself to just let it be and maybe just live with it, not give so much of a damn to our friendship.
yea. i seriously don't know why i care so much. i've not known you for long. we don't even work all the same days anymore. but somehow i did see you as a friend, and any friendship is to me something that should never be taken for granted and should always be treasured. if that to you is just one of my many faces then i really dont know what to say either. maybe you're the one with the many faces huh? saying you consider me as your friend yet blaming me for the mistakes you've made and writing shit about me on your blog.
- emo nemo: cynical
a colleague of mine got shit for not keeping her punch card updated..and somehow she's upset with me for not telling her the punch card is important. in her words she feels "betrayed" by me because when she told me that she hadnt been punching in and out and asked me if it was important i said i didnt think so. and i honestly didnt think so because apart from punching in and out we also have to sign a timesheet so i thought as long as the time sheet is done then it shouldnt be a problem..cos the timesheet is the more accurate measure of how many hours of work we do. then she started to question me about why if i thought it was not important i still went to punch in and out everytime. i mean what the hell la. boss ask you to do something and if you remember just do la right. even if you think its not important just do la right! cover your ass man. and she saw that as a betrayal as well..that like even though i didnt think it was important i still went to do it.
and i'm not exactly sure how i should feel about that.
the reason why its bothering me is probably cos the both of us were from the same interview..and are equally new. it means something to be equally new because you're under equal scrutiny in a highly political work environment. you kinda need allies like that. at work i'd probably say shes the one i would trust most. when we work together we certainly talk to each other more than we talk to the others, and we'd look out for each other..help each other check deployment and inform the seniors if we're gonna be late and look for transport home from work..stuff like that. i guess i would probably consider her more of a friend than just a colleague.
maybe its childish, but i feel hurt that she would think i betrayed her..and sort of blame me for what happened. i mean even though she did say it was her fault..but only after she said all that stuff about how i betrayed her so yeah i kinda felt like she was blaming me for it already.
aiya whatever. i don't even have a point here. just venting. its so irritating when people misconstrue your intentions.
eff-it.
//edit
just read this off the above mentioned colleague's blog.
work
these few days keep getting scolding ):
and the thing that makes me want to cry is
the fact that i feel that i am alone.
initially i thought i had A,
but i dont think she really regarded me as a good friend.
she is like always trying to get into the good books of the seniors.
and cracking jokes with them. -.-
what happened was...
i lost my punch card and i told A.
the thing was that she told me she dont think it is important anyway and she often dont punch in and punch out too.
so i just didnt bother about it anymore.
but she didnt tell me that days that she didnt punch in or punch out,
she actually went to get signature from the seniors...
only i stupidly didnt bother anymore.
i know i have no one but myself to blame.
i should not rely on anyone.
i dont know if A.T is real real, but she was really a sweetie and consoled me (:
the more she was nice to me,
the more i felt like crying..
like i cant pull off my brave ftont anymore. lol.
it really takes one to be really strong man..
to be thick skinned, loud, confident and all the crap.
someone that i dont really see myself as
the ones that survive well there are the 101faces or the kind that is so full of themselves.
perhaps, i am not suited for this kind of working environment.
but sometimes it actually gets quite fun.
and sometimes there are nice ppl,
like A.T, Z, J... I DONT KNOW LA.
if thats what she really thinks of me then maybe i really shouldnt bother as much. and i'm not even sure if its worth the energy talking to her about it.
but i just have to let it out right now.
fyi, she can check my punch card and know that there were days where i didnt punch out and didnt get my timesheet signed and i certainly didnt purposely go and get my timesheet signed by the seniors on the days i didnt punch out. signing on the timesheet is a totally different thing from punching the card. we were told to get the timesheet verified everyday by a senior on the very first day of work. and now that we don't work on the same days..i don't feel it is my responsibility to check her timesheet for her because i doubt she checks on mine, and neither do i expect her to check it for me.
and i take it as a fucking insult to be labelled as someone with 101faces.
you know what, don't blame me for something you did wrong, i'm your friend not your mummy. i'm sorry if you feel like i didnt regard you as a good friend because i did. but i'm just as new as you and i know as little as you about the way the system works and about how important the timesheet is and all that crap. i really didnt feel like the punch card was that important if the timesheet was done and on the days where we worked together we did sign the timesheets and i did remind you to write the timesheet.
isnt it annoying how politics justs gets you even thought you try your best to avoid it..even with the best of intentions.
i did see you as a friend, but don't know what you expect of me really. and now i don't even know if its my responsibility to live up to those expectations.
- emo nemo: blah
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